As far as I can recall, mum first appeared on the scene when I was born. I didn’t think too much about it at the time, but things were pretty good then. Lots to do, plenty to eat and loads of attention. In fact things only really began to go horribly wrong when my sisters arrived, but that happened much later.
When we went shopping dad used to carry me on his shoulders so I could see the sky better. I used to ask him what kept aeroplanes up. I never remembered what he said so I had to keep asking him. One day he said a bleedin great skyhook. I didn’t really believe that because you never see anything in the sky to tie hooks on. Just then he took me into Woolworths and bought me a big ice cream and I forgot to ask him again.
Once someone called Omi came to stay, so mum and me took her up London. We had some dinner in a big place with a nice carpet and loads of stairs and where your dinner comes up through a big black hole in the wall. Mum told me that Omi was her mum and that she lived in a house in Germany with a garden on the roof. I bet she nearly rolls off when she hangs the washing out. Omi used to send mum letters with six little gummy bears in for me, even though the postman told her to stop. When Omi went back we went to Victoria station to see her off. There were still some steam trains then.
When I got bigger I had to go to the nursery up the road so mum could go back to work. In the afternoon, we all had to wash our hands together in a big tin with warm water before the woman let mum take me home. We all used to make the water really dirty.
Obviously mum and dad were very happy now I was around all the time to cheer them up and stop them getting bored, so they thought they’d get some more me’s. I remember explaining this to dad at the time. A few brothers my age and I could do loads of interesting things. I don’t know if dad didn’t hear me properly or just didn’t understand, but something went horribly wrong.
Rosemarie arrived. She was a girl and cried all the time. At first this didn’t make much difference. There was a lot of fuss, loads of grownups round just looking at her, like me, all wondering what she did. But they brought round loads of sweets (which I ate) and fluffy toys (which Rosie ate). By now of course, everybody had forgotten it was my idea in the first place, and that really, I should have gotten all the toys.
A whole week went by and then another, and all she did was eat and smell. I asked mum if next week Rosie would be ready to climb trees and make mud camps. She said maybe when I was ten. Sometimes grownups have big problems with simple questions.
I went to see dad again and asked him to sort me out a brother, and to make sure this time it was my age. Another baby thing was no good at all. I thought about “and good at football” but they’d had trouble with the boy bit last time, so that could be too much for them. Dad said it might take a while.
There was a place where you could go on Sundays where they had a big pond and lots of other children with sailing boats. I had a green one with sails made out of old hankies which leaned over a bit. You had to set them going across, then run round the other side and fetch them back. It was good fun especially when someone’s boat got stuck in the middle. Some of the children had really big boats with motors, only they weren’t allowed to touch them, they had to just stand and watch their dads do it all.
One Sunday dad gave me a submarine which had a long tube and a ball thing that you squeezed when you wanted it to come up again. I gave it a really good squeeze so it would come up dead fast and make everyone jump, only it didn’t come up at all, just a load of bubbles. Dad asked me where it had disappeared but when we got there the bubbles had all gone. He took ages with his trousers rolled up looking for it.
Life was jolly interesting those days. Mum and dad were always trying to keep secrets from me right up to the last minute, so I didn’t keep asking questions. All of a sudden one day we went camping to Cornwall in dad’s old van. Mum told me that a long time ago, even before I was born, dad got in the van one day and it had fallen apart right out there on the road. So he carried all the bits through the house and put it all back together again in the back garden. But then he found out it was too wide to get back through the house so he had to take it all apart again. I bet dad’s really pleased I’m around now to remind him not to make that mistake again.
Anyway dad must have straight away made another big mistake and gone down the wrong road, because pretty soon we were driving all over someone’s lawn and round their trees. But mum said all the country was like that when you got out of London, and we had to let dad concentrate. “See who see’s the sea first.” I said I could see it already behind the next hill.
When I woke up again I asked if we were there yet. Dad grunted something about blood. Nearly there, mum said. Suddenly there was a loud screech and we did a really good stop. But Rosie’s pram shot forwards by itself and banged into the Primus stove. Then Rosie popped out like she couldn’t wait around for the rest of us, and whizzed across the van on her own, landing on her head with a really good thud. Mum kept telling her not to bang her head so I bet she gets a good telling off.
Just then mum and dad started to make a big old fuss about her, but I could tell she was alright, tongue hanging out and eyes rolling around as usual. Then she notices all the fuss she’s getting and starts hollering of course. Pretty soon she’d probably want something to eat again. Sure enough, after wasting ages going to a doctors, we set off again and Rosie’s eating a big sticky bun. At least she was tied up now. Mum said it was because dad had lost his concentrates somewhere. I was beginning to think I’d never get rid of my sister. She seemed to be made of super rubber.
It was a jolly good holiday after that and even dad went swimming in the sea. There was a big rock sticking up out of the sea and mum and dad used to swim round it giving me rides on their back. We went to place called Beer and lived in a tent. The tent was in an old orchard where you could knock apples down with a long stick and mum used to cook egg and bacon on the Primus stove for breakfast which smelt really great. You had to climb over a hedge and wash in a bucket so I never bothered, but nobody seemed to mind.
When we got back I set about getting rid of Rosie properly this time. She was smelling even worse now, and she ate all the food. And, as if she didn’t make enough noise herself, now mum spent all day talking gibberish to her.
One day the three of us were in the front room upstairs. Mum was cooking dinner in a big pot thing like a steam train. Sometimes it even drowned out Rosie’s babble when mum forgot to turn it down. Rosie was in her high chair, eating. It was a jolly clever chair because you could fold it up and turn it into a trolley, only mum said I wasn’t allowed to fold it up anymore while Rosie was still in it. But when mum went downstairs I still used to push her around in it really fast and crash into walls.
Right then I was staring at Rosie, wondering what to do. Maybe if she ate any more the floor might break and gobble her up quickly before mum noticed. Just then there was a really loud crash and loads of dust. I looked around and Rosie was gone! But mum seemed to have vanished too. I wondered if maybe I had fallen asleep and mum had whisked me off to bed. Mum and dad were always doing things like that. They thought it was a really clever trick.
Suddenly through a hole in the dust I saw Rosie sitting in her high chair, still eating. Mum said the ceiling had fallen down and Rosie was lucky to be alive. By now I had noticed lots of big white lumps all over the floor. They looked interesting and fun to make igloos with, except that mum would probably only tidy them away half way through. Mum said she didn’t think they were very interesting at all. She said Rose was lucky to be alive again. Mum was beginning to annoy me, but I did start wondering. Maybe next time if I concentrated on the ceiling …
Now gran was a lot more understanding than mum. Although she was another girl, she was much older so it didn’t matter. Obviously girls don’t grow up properly like boys, not till they’re much older, maybe a hundred and ninety like gran. Anyway gran still did all the things I liked. She bought me sweets when I asked and took me on red busses to get fish and chips. We also went to Greenwich to see the boats. She liked to sit on the bench and watch them go up and down the river, but I liked to play down in the mud and look underneath lumps of wood that had floated in. But the best thing about gran was she lived downstairs. And being a girl, Rosie couldn’t climb stairs, even the ones that went down.
Even when she started walking, Rosie had a problem with stairs. I remember one morning mum, me and Rosie trooping downstairs. As usual I had to go in front to show her what to do. Rosie was carrying her smelly pot which had to be emptied down the toilet outside. She still hadn’t learnt how to play all day and night without wasting time on the pot. I remember it was a very smelly pot, even for Rosie. I felt jolly sorry for mum, having to walk behind that pong.
We got about half way down, and as usual, Rosie messes up. She’s counting steps as she goes. Why do girls try to do ten things at once? After ages she gets to six and I’m nearly at the bottom. I know she doesn’t know her numbers after seven so pretty soon she’ll be blubbing again. Ha! Ha! Ha!
I’m not too sure what happened next, and mum always says she can’t remember. Maybe Rosie tried to cheat and jump the next ten steps at once, and end up with seven. Next thing I know I’m at the bottom of the stairs wearing Rosie’s smelly pot upside down on my head. Ha! I thought, now she’s going to get a really good telling off or maybe even a smack, so I looked up to see where mum was.
My eyes were beginning to sting a bit now and the pot made it hard to look straight up, so it was difficult to see properly. But mum must have hurt herself or something, because she was leaning back against the wall hugging her belly with both arms, with her eyes tightly shut and a sort of wobbling look on her face. Rosie was lying across the stairs laughing. I suppose she must have banged her head again really hard and gone loopy.
At Christmas time I used to open all my presents really quick, but one Christmas dad kept interrupting me and telling me to get him some milk from the fridge outside on the landing. I rushed out really quick. I had to shift some old stuff that someone had left right in the way so that slowed me up a bit. Then I got the milk out and rushed back in. Mum and dad seemed a bit surprised how fast I got back, but I gave them the milk and got back to unwrapping my presents. Then they must have changed their minds about tea, cause pretty soon they wanted something else out the fridge.
Couldn’t they see I was busy? Anyway, someone must have been having a right old clear out this morning cause that old stuff was back in the way again. I was just thinking about giving it a good old shove down the stairs out the way for good, when dad turns the light on and I see its a brand new bike. Then mum said it was all dad’s joke and that the bike was my Christmas present. Mum said I could go round the park on it. It was a very wobbly bike, but dad said all new bikes were like that and it would soon learn how to go properly.
When it was time to play I just used to wake up. But mum said not everyone else liked to do that so I had to wait for them to “wake up by themselves”. I used to lie in bed waiting for the first bus to go down the road and then I’d know it was five o’clock. Even though everyone else in London was up now, mum could still be a bit prickly about me getting up straight away and nailing a new camp roof on the wardrobe.
Luckily, I learnt a really good trick. I crept over to Rosie’s cot and gave her a good punch on the nose. She opened her eyes and started giggling. Sometimes she could really annoy me. I give her a few more and at last she catches on and gives a big screech. I ran quickly back, accidentally stepping in her pot on the way, jumped in to bed and pretended to be asleep.
Mum comes in and gives her a big cuddle, thumps her on the back and says “there, there, don’t wake up your big brother”. Ha! Ha! I did a little stretch and jumped up. “Rosie woke me up mum. Can I go in the garden now and make a lake?”
“Perhaps after breakfast dear. Go downstairs for now, I can hear Grandma getting up.” I thump down the stairs extra hard in case mum gets Rosie back to sleep and we all have to go to bed again.
In the front room we had really nice yellow and black curtains which I liked to open and close all the time and a cupboard with a lid that went up and a door that came down towards you. It was jolly clever cupboard. When you pulled the door, the lid would shoot up by itself and a light would come on inside. I used to yank the door down really quick and try to look inside before the light came on. Inside it was full of mirrors and the light would bounce about like magic. It smelt strange and exciting. It looked a lot bigger inside, big enough maybe for a secret camp. I’d have to clear out all the bottles and glasses of course. Mum always got a bit tense when I played in there.
We also had a record player which you had to plug in the wall and that was something else mum could be a bit funny about. This did even more things at once. I was only allowed to watch it at first, but after a while mum let me have two titchy records to play on it. Just two! You could stack loads more than that on the nail in the middle. As soon as one record finished the arm would move out the way. Then the next one would come crashing down on top of the others, the arm would move back again and it would start to play. It was great fun to play with. Then I found a knob which made the records bang down one after another without you even having to listen to them first.
One of the records I was allowed to play was “Case Hoorah Hoorah, whatever will be will be”, which I didn’t think was a very clever thing to say, anybody could work that one out. The other one was “Three little fishes swam round and round” which I really liked. Our goldfish didn’t seem to like it though. It probably couldn’t hear properly with all that water in its ears. Maybe next time I’ll take it out and let it listen on the chair.
One day mum gave me another record to play, only it was for Rosie. I had to put it on of course because she’d only eat it. I put it on and it screamed out “Oh Rosemarie I love you, I’m always dreaming of you, no matter what I do I can’t forget you”. And I still can’t. Sometimes mum played some pretty rotten tricks on me. We had to keep playing it though because Rosie loved it.
One night at Christmas time dad took me to the market at Woolwich. The big white lights on the stalls were all jumping about like mad in the wind and it was so dark you couldn’t see the wire they were tied on. There were loads of people crowded round each stall. Dad put me on his shoulders so I could see the toys. There was a great big train whizzing round and round through a tunnel and then straight out over a level crossing. Plastic people and cows were waiting on the platform but it never stopped for them. I asked dad if I could have it for Christmas.
Funny enough, Father Christmas must have got a bit mixed up, just like dad did sometimes, because when it came the cows and people had all gone and the train seemed a lot smaller. But it did go in and out of the tunnel a few times before you had to wind it up. Dad said this one was just to play with. He was going to build a much bigger one for himself. Of course, he really meant to say, by himself, but I didn’t tell him because I knew he was getting so old. There were a lot of other dads around that afternoon and they all seemed pretty interested in building a train set too. I expect it’ll be finished tomorrow.
Gran used to work at Stones’. I guess they concentrated on making only the really big ones there because everyone knew you could collect stones in peoples gardens for free. She used to start very early, and clean their floors, so she’d be back pretty soon after we got up ready to play with me again. Then she’d walk to Woolwich and do some shopping. In her front room she had a big heavy chair which spun round. I used to put Rosie in it and spin it round really fast. But one day she said she liked it so I stopped.
Mum used to work at Stones too, in a room where she had to type words all day. She had some friends there. One day they had a sports day. They all climbed into sacks and tried to run across the grass. I got very upset, because everyone was laughing. They had some tennis courts there and mum used to play tennis too.
One evening I was having a really good game of armies under my bed. It started to get dark and hard to see the tanks properly so I lit a candle. I could see quite well now and after a while it started to get a lot warmer too. When I looked round the bed was on fire. That wasn’t supposed to happen in armies so I crawled out and went downstairs for a glass of water. When I got back the flames were a lot bigger and some of my soldiers had gone black so I went to fetch the fire brigade. Then I remembered I didn’t have any money for the bus. Just then mum catches me going upstairs with another glass of water and dad rushes up really quick and turns the bed over right on top of my soldiers and bashes out the flames. They were both a bit quiet with me for a while after that.
We all lived upstairs in Grans house on a steep hill. At the bottom of the hill and over the big road was Seamens, where they didn’t go to sea and they weren’t all men. I know that because I used to climb up and watch them from on top of Grandads old shed which leaned right out over a big drop down to the road. Sometimes the men at the gate would get pretty excited about something and wave to me, so I used to jump up and down and wave back. After that dad cut a small hole in the fence so I could look through but the view wasn’t as good and the men at the gate didn’t wave to me anymore.
Just when you think things can’t get any worse, they do. Helen arrived. She wasn’t even delivered in a little white bus like Rosie, dad and I had to go and fetch her in the van from somewhere. Obviously she wasn’t going to be much good at football if she didn’t even know where she lived. The best thing about Helen was that when she came they had forgotten to Grissen her so we had to get her done later at a church. We all had to go, but dad bought me some Merry Maid chocolates with hard toffee inside which dad told me to suck slowly. They had pretty blue and brown and gold wrappers and we bought them from a sweet shop that I didn’t even know about. I asked dad if we could Grissen her again next week but he said it wasn’t bloody likely.
At the top of the hill was a big dark shed with no doors where they used to shoot sparks at you when you went past. I used to run past that when I went to the park so they never got me. The park belonged to someone called Maryon but she didn’t mind a bit and anyone could go there to play. It was a really nice park with daffodils on the hills and crocuses on the lawns. There were loads of trees to climb and steep mud banks to shoot things at people. It also had a playground with swings and slides and a roundabout and a crotchety old woman whose job was to make you miserable.
There was a big hill inside the park where me and my friends used to shoot gliders down at the people walking along the path. It was jolly good because just before they got hit we’d duck down so they couldn’t see us. It made some of the old people really jump. Right at the top of the hill was another lawn and if you climbed onto the fence and someone held on to your ankles you could lean right over the edge and see the boats go up the river.
The best bit of lawn was on the other side of the hill. They were always mowing it really smooth and flat and it was jolly good to play football on, only they got very annoyed and chased you off if you did. Gran said in the war they had a big air raid shelter right underneath it. It wasn’t really for football. You had to pay sixpence just to borrow a tiny white ball which didn’t even bounce properly and a stick and go round hitting the ball down holes. After about two holes it got really boring so we used to bang the ball right across the lawn at old people and pretend we were aiming at the last hole, but the park keepers never liked you doing that either.
Sometimes in the winter it would get really foggy. Everywhere looked different when you went out and it was good fun getting lost. I kept opening the door to let the fog in so gran would get lost in the kitchen, but it never worked very well. Every night on the radio someone would count up how many people had died in the fog. I expect they just got lost and fell down drain holes. Even the boats got annoyed and blew their hooters all night long. It was really good. One afternoon dad didn’t come home when he should have and mum got really upset. Then I got upset too because I remembered he was supposed to bring me some toffees.
Gran had a really good back garden with big blackcurrent bushes and steps you could jump down and the dugout where you could make camps in. Gran said she and grandad hid there in the war. Grandad’s shed had loads of tobacco tins full of rusty old nails. There was a big wall down the side of the garden where Lilly Valley grew. Miss Scott the witch lived behind the wall. I used to throw lumps of mud at her.
The best place at Grans house was the skullery. I expect they used to keep all the old skulls there before I was born. There was a big square sink, a bath on legs, and a copper. You had to light the copper if you were going to have a bath so I always turned it off when I went past just in case. I had some toy divers that went up and down in the bath and some boats that moved about by themselves when you put camfer on their ends. Gran used to get sacks of wooden blocks for me to build houses with on the floor in front of her fire. You had to watchout though, or she’d sneak one on the fire when you weren’t looking. In the morning the milkman came round on his electric scooter and gran gave me a thrupny bit to buy some orange juice. It was good and cold and made your teeth ache.
You got to the scullery by going down the passage which was a long dark tunnel. Half way down was where the electric ghost lived. Gran used to go in there and turn him off at night so he didn’t catch fire and then switch him on again in the morning. Sometimes we even had to turn him off when we went for fish and chips.
Sometimes we had to visit people even when they didn’t give me sweets. Once when we were going somewhere and we were a bit late, mum told me to push the pram round the back way to the platform while she ran and got the train tickets. Somehow I got a bit lost and anyway Rosie started crying, so I left her under a lamp post and went to find the train by myself. When I got to the platform mum was already there. She was jolly annoyed I hadn’t brought Rosie as well and didn’t really believe me when I said I forgot. After that we usually went by bus.
My first school was just across the road next to Seamens. On the first day they showed me round the school. It was nice and sunny and the rooms had great big high ceilings. My class was the first one you came to when you went in. They had little pockets full of easy sums hanging on the wall so I spent all day racing round doing them all. Some of the girls never even finished one. The best thing was the school had two playgrounds so the girls had to go and play on their own and not get in the way.
Then I had to go to another school called Woodhill, which was out through the park and up a long hill but there wasn’t much wood. We had to all line up outside in the playground every morning while someone remembered our names. They had funny toilets where you all had to line up again and pee on a white wall. When I pulled my pants down to pee I got into trouble because you were only meant to pull your willie out round your shorts so nobody sees it. Some of the big boys wore long trousers so it couldn’t have been much fun for them. There were loads of lilac bushes along the way to school which smelt good when it rained. In the autumn they used to sweep all the leaves up into big piles which smelt really good and were fun to kick about and roll in.
Mum and dad used to try and keep secrets from me because they thought I didn’t understand grownup things. So it was a bit of a surprise one day when mum said I didn’t have to go to school anymore. I was a bit curious but I didn’t say anything in case she changed her mind, so I asked her if I could ride my bike in the park. Just for half and hour dear, then we’re moving. That sounded a bit daft, I keep moving all the time. When I got back there was a great big lorry outside our house with our front room in it. “Hurry up and get in dear, we’re moving now”. We waved good bye to gran and I promised to visit her tomorrow. I climbed in with my bike and sat next to the goldfish. I hoped this wasn’t going to take very long, I’d promised to meet Laurie Scott by the swings in ten minutes.
There was a hole in the back where the doors fixed together. It was fun to watch London moving away from us. Perhaps that’s what they meant by moving. It was a long way to our new house but mum wouldn’t let us play outside, even when the lorry stopped at the traffic lights.
When we got there, there were loads of new houses to choose from, so we picked one on the corner with a big garden and moved in. Dad was already at work when we left gran’s house in London so I hope mum remembers to tell him about the new place. It was a bit cold and no one had brought any coal, so mum walked off with two shopping bags to buy some. I expect she’d forgot to bring any sacks. While she was gone I decided to dig the back garden and grow a few flowers ready for when she gets back. It was a bit hard and very squelchy and I had to fill in some really deep holes with bits of pipe and wires sticking out. Also someone had scraped all the easy earth off and put it in a big heap on their bit.
One day dad fixed up a long wire from the top of the garden right into my bedroom window and tied the end to a tobacco tin with a knob and earphones. When you turned the knob you could hear people speaking. Sometimes they got mixed up and spoke in French or something. There were no red buses out here anymore to stop me sleeping too long and it was very dark at night, so I was jolly lucky to have something else to keep me awake. I listened to the BBC world service and Big Ben. I think tobacco tins are really useful and next year when I grow up and start smoking I’m going to start a really big collection.
One day mum said I had to go back to school again. I wasn’t sure I remembered the way back to London so I got a bit worried. But she said they had another school right here in Caddington as well and anyway she’d come with me the first morning. It was jolly bad luck we had to move to place where they had another school. When we got there, there was a picture of a Tortoise and a Hare on the school gate. Mum said that once they had a race and the Tortoise won! She said that was the good thing about schools. I didn’t know that tortoises knew how to cheat so I was really looking forward to finding out, but they never told us. I bet they just made that up to trick us.
School was pretty rotten but there was a quick way back across the muddy fields so I used to run home afterwards to stop mum getting bored. One day when I came home there was another baby. I didn’t think you could get babies out here at the new house. It was another girl so it probably came from London specially. This one was called Jacqueline. If they send many more we’ll probably run out of girls names. This one spent a lot of time crying all night so at least we didn’t waste time sleeping any more, but we weren’t allowed to make a noise in the daytime either or mum would say “don’t wake the baby”. I started shouting out don’t wake the baby but mum told me to stop.
One day they started building another new school right behind our garden. It’s probably all these babies they keep sending. The workmen made us a big hill to play attackers and defenders on and even left loads of red and white poles all around for spears. Later on when there were walls we played inside and found lots of useful stuff like wood and nails just laying around. I made dad a wooden nail box with places for all the different nails. He was very pleased, but mum said it was stealing. I said I just picked the nails up off the floor. After that I made jolly sure I threw anything I wanted on the floor first before I took it home.
One morning when we were in the kitchen we saw Mrs. Atkins next door hanging out the washing. When she bent down you could see her big bum right up her skirt. She had great big pink things on. Dad said he’d have to build a modesty fence but he never did.
On Saturdays mum used to go shopping in Luton for sweets. Once she took me with her to help her carry the bags. We went to loads of different shops and not just sweet shops. In the market there were fruit and vegetable shops, fish shops, butchers and a delicatessen which smelt really exciting and where she got Polish sausage and Sauerkraut. When we got home there was a big fight to share out the broken biscuits and sweets. Mums favourite was mishapes which were black chocolates that had gone wrong. After a few more trips mum said it would be even more helpful if I didn’t come with her anymore, so I had to stay at home and look after all the babies. At least I could make sure nobody brought round any more while mum was out.
One day there was no football so I had go and to play with Geraldine Self who was a girl and lived next to door but one. It was raining and she said her dad didn’t let her out in the rain so we had better go and play in his shed. It was a jolly fine shed with carpets and a sink and lots of interesting tins and jars on the wall. Mr. Self always used to polish his shoes in there. Once I asked him why he polished underneath his shoes as well. He said it was to use up the last bit of polish on the brush, but dad said it was because he was in the army and they were always doing daft things in the army. All of a sudden Geraldine gets upset at me having a good old poke round in her dad’s tins and asked me if I wanted to look at her knickers. I told her I’d already seen Mrs. Atkins’ and they were a lot bigger, so she made me kiss her instead.
One morning I had to go to another new school they had built. I bet they want me to try them all out before I’m grow up. This one was at Farley Farm and you had to catch a green bus there. The first day we had meat stew for dinner and there were big fat women running round to make sure you ate it all. Nearly all the teachers there were nuns. One day they built the M1 motorway past our playing field, so you had to climb a big fence when the ball went over.
Early one morning mum decided we all needed a good walk so we got all babies together in a pram and walked to Dunstable Downs to see the gliders. It was a long way. We saw some gliders but they were too high to climb into so we came home by bus. Another Sunday we all went out to see the country. Dad said we’d see more country this time if we caught the greenline coach. When it came, dad knew the driver so we all got on for nothing. Then an inspector got on so we had to get off in a hurry with all the prams and babies in the middle of nowhere. The next bus wasn’t till Monday so mum got a bit quiet with dad after that.
Dad was a bus driver and he used to muck about a bit. Once when a miserable old lady got on and paid her fare he gave her some old green shield stamps with her change. She asked him what they were and said she never got any before so he said the drivers nearly always kept them for themselves and she had to ask special for them. The next week she got on Busty Reeves was driving. She held up the bus for ten minutes and said she wasn’t going to sit down till she got her stamps and it was stealing not to give them to her. Busty Reeves was a big bloke who didn’t laugh very much.
We had a big garden and dad was always starting crazy ideas. We had strawberry plants growing in pipes and a greenhouse made out of window frames which Mrs. Atkins thought was death ray machine because it had a tube sticking which pointed at her kitchen. We also had a digger made out of a motor bike which we gave to Mr. Quincy next door because it kept racing off without you.
One day dad said we should all get central heating. So he sent everyone to Germany for a fortnight while me and dad did it. It was great fun knocking holes in the walls and ceilings and seeing what was on the other side. We also pulled up floorboards and took down cupboards and never did the washing up. Dad got fed up carrying our dinner into the front room so he knocked another really big hole in the wall. When I looked through it I saw the kitchen! I didn’t even know we kept it there so it was a jolly good idea of dad’s. I asked him if we could knock some more holes in my bedroom wall to shoot through but he said we’d better not. We worked very hard but it wasn’t really finished when mum and the girls came back. She was a bit tense about it for a while.
At first we had a shiny red stove that would burn your bum if you sat on it too long, but then dad put a big coal cooker in the kitchen which did the heating too. A good thing about this cooker was that dad had to bang it in the morning to break up the ash and the noise use to wake me up in time for a cup of tea with him before he went to work. We also now had loads of hot water, which wasn’t so good because mum decided we should all start washing again. Rosie used to have lots of baths when she wasn’t eating and she liked to dry herself in the kitchen on a chair next to the cooker. One day I noticed she had two lumps growing on her chest and some hairy bits on her belly. I told her it was because she ate too much.
Mum used to make bread and meat pies in the oven which were jolly good to eat. She also made lots of fried potatoes and gravy which I used to eat loads of after football. She also made cheese straws which everyone liked, even Jackie who never did any eating. Jackie used to creep into the kitchen and eat them while we were watching TV. One day she ate the whole tin full. Everyone got very cross with her.
Dad used to work early shift a lot, so to save wasting time in bed I used to get up early and have a cup of tea with him before he went. If it was very early, before even the buses started, he’d have to walk to Luton. Later on he got a moped which had pedals on for when it broke down.
When I went to grammar school mum and dad bought me a shed for my birthday to study in. Dad fixed up the old red stove out the front room and showed me how they used to make chimneys out of old oil cans in the war. I used to come home from school and fall asleep on the couch while everyone sat on me and watched TV. Then I’d wake up when it was time to go to bed and go up to my shed to study. It was very quiet up there and a bit cold till the fire got going. Sometimes the fire got going a bit too much and started to burn the wall.
Dad showed me how to make photos using chemicals and he built a darkroom up in the loft. It was a bit tricky getting up there. You had to stand on the edge of a chair, jump up and grab the edge and watch the lid didn’t come down on your fingers. Sometimes the girls would take the chair away, but I could always jump down. I used to wait quietly till one was walking past and land right behind them with a big crash.
Mum used to go out in the evening to sell smelly soap and perfume to women. She had to ring a bell and shout “Avon calling” through their letter boxes to wake them all up. I don’t think they ever believed her. Even we knew her name was mum. Later on mum and Margaret who lived over the road, started going to school even though they didn’t have to, which was silly. Margaret must have liked bossing people around all day because she turned into a teacher. Mum learned about stories and politicians whose job is to tell stories all day. She even went to listen to some in London but she didn’t remember any good ones.
Then mum thought that with all these babies around she had better learn to cook, so she went to evening class. The teacher there was called Gordon Blur. After that we all had to eat giant lemons every week for Sunday breakfast and use a clean white table cloth with loads of knives and forks. Her meat pies were still jolly good though.
One day mum said Rosie had to go to school as well, which made Rosie cry so I had a good laugh about that. Then mum said I had to take her with me, which wasn’t so funny. Rosie hated school so much she’d start crying halfway to the bus stop and run back home. I had to beat her up just to get her on the bus. It was a bit embarrassing because I’d always told my friends I never had any sisters, so I told them Rosie was a mad cousin who had just escaped and was staying with us for a while. They had a good look at her and believed me so perhaps it was true after all. I decided I better have another go at getting rid of her quick, especially as there were loads more coming along now and I hadn’t even made a start them yet.
I used to babysit for Margaret which was good fun because they had a TV and I could watch Popeye and Flintstones. Sometimes she’d bring fish and chips back which was really good. Her husband was called Ron and he also worked on the buses. I annoyed him one day somehow so dad had to cheer him up by giving him a big hydraulic jack that he had managed to catch just as it was falling off the back of a lorry in front of his bus. I needed a telescope to look at stars with so I got on my bike and went looking for telescope lorries to chase, but I never caught any. I guess you’ve got to be a lot quicker.
One day all of mums friends from Germany turned up so we borrowed a big van and took them to Cornwall. Pretty soon we all had to get out again so dad could change a wheel. It took ages to get there and everyone was arguing. When we got there the sea had gone and we couldn’t find the house. It was getting a bit dark and rainy.
Then dad found a muddy path through a dark wood and down a steep hill. Mum was a bit worried in case it went over the cliff. It was jolly exciting driving down it because it was very bumpy and the brakes weren’t very good so we all nearly turned over on one bend. When we got out a really good thunderstorm started up. Mum seemed a bit tense again and so did all her relatives, so dad made up a really good joke about ghosts to cheer them up but it didn’t work. The next day was bright and sunny and everything was alright again.
Mum and dad bought me a wooden ironing board with a bent bit at the front. Dad said people used them to lie on in the sea but I bet he was joking. The first time I tried it I sank to the bottom so dad used it to make tea on. Later on he must told some other people cause I saw them trying it as well. They called it surfing and then I got the hang of it pretty quick. I used to aim it at girls but the steering wasn’t very good.
We used to play a lot in the woods across the fields where we lived. They had a great big tree fallen down with its roots sticking up in the air. The trunk and branches were all smooth and you could run right along it playing war and things. We also used to dig big holes in ground and cover them with twigs and leaves to catch girls for torture but we never got any. Sometimes we’d light a fire and make chips with lard and potatoes. In the spring we always picked mum loads of bluebells which really smelt good. In the autumn we picked lots of hazel nuts and crab apples and blackberries and smelly mushrooms in case a war started. I used to hide them in my bedroom but after a few months mum threw them out.
One day I was in the woods on my own making arrows to shoot my sisters with, when suddenly a big girl jumped up out of a fern bush and asked me if I knew how to make babies. I said I knew and anyway I had too many sisters already. She said she also knew how to make brothers. I was quiet for a bit and then I said alright. She was quite a nice girl and I felt a bit sorry for her because she already had those bumps on her chest that old women get. I said I had to play a bit of football first but I’d come back after. We had a really good football match and I forgot all about her till after tea. I went back the next day but she must have gone home already. She’d probably forgotten how to make brothers anyhow.
One day Rosie started knitting. She was really slow and used millions of different colours. She used to get into a right temper about it all. I said her knitting was horrible but dad said he thought it was really quite good, so she got all her bits out of the dustbin again and glued them together into a scarf and made him wear it to work round his neck. Ha! Ha!
I stopped meeting dad at the bus stop for a while after that, but he still had to wear it because she used to hide behind the shops and make sure he didn’t cover it up. Later on he told her they had stopped him wearing it while he was driving the bus in case it caused an accident, but I don’t think Rosie believed him, cause soon after she poked him in the eye when he wasn’t watching.
One day dad brought home a dead cow called Aitch Bone. I expect he must have run it over at the bus stop or something. He showed me which bit was called steak. It was really good to fry up and eat and I always tried to pinch the steak whenever he hit another one. Mum would chop the rest up into joints and boil the bones to make soup with nice soft meat in. It was really good to eat when I came home from school especially as Rosie didn’t like it much. She started eating cabbage all the time. In the mornings I used to make mum and dad a cup of tea and a mixed up egg for me and Rosie, so we could get to school really early and play football.
We used to have some nice afters bowls for the banana and custard. They were all the same except that one had some flowers painted in the bottom. One of the new sisters called Ami always made a big fuss about getting this bowl for herself. It didn’t make any difference and anyway you couldn’t see the flowers once the custard was in. One day after mum dished it out, dad swapped her bowl when she wasn’t looking. When she got near the bottom she went all quiet and kept staring in her bowl and scraping the custard about. Then she got really annoyed at dad and started crying. Mum told him off and gave her dad’s bananas.
One day Helen had to go to a special school where there was only girls and they all had to wear grey knickers so you couldn’t see the dirt. When she came home she had to change and write loads of stories. She was very bossy and made the other sisters act in her plays. It was jolly good fun to watch because they all had to get dressed up together behind a curtain in a tiny space under the bunk which was hard to get in and out of. One day when I was sitting on Helen’s bunk waiting for them all to get changed, I caught a fat spider and passed it into them wrapped up in a match box.
They must have forgotten about it for a while or maybe couldn’t undo the wrapping paper because it took a few minutes for anything to happen. Then someone screamed and I guess that must have made spider jump about a bit cos pretty soon they were all screaming and trying to climb out the hole and getting their legs all tangled up in the costumes. Mum came running up to see what was going on but they were all too busy to tell her anything and anyway it was time for me to go and play some football.
One day we were all having dinner. Dad started shaking up his bottle of HP sauce when the top flew off and a lot of runny brown stuff squirted in my eye. It was very smelly and sour and it reminded me of something else a long time ago, but I couldn’t remember what. Then there was a big argument about who didn’t screw the top on, which dad lost, cos mum said that he was the only one who used the stuff.
One Christmas Eve mum and dad bought themselves a tape recorder and thought it would be a good idea to secretly record what was going on in the girls room before bedtime. So dad set it up in my bedroom and I went into their bedroom with the microphone bit in my pocket and sneaked the cable back to dad through one of the holes left over from the central heating.
When we played the tape it was a bit quiet and disappointing at first. All you could hear was a grunting noise which dad said was probably Rosie eating in her bunk. Later we heard Ami sitting on Helen’s top bunk talking about Christmas presents. Then Ami did a big fart while Helen was talking. It all went quiet for a bit and even Rosie stopped eating. Then there was a big argument and Helen told Ami to get off her bunk straight away cos she could smell it. You could hear a lot of pushing and shoving going on and then a big crash, but Ami said she didn’t care because she was going to get an electric wheelbarrow for Christmas. Anyway, that Christmas we couldn’t just play with our presents straight away because we had to wait for the paint to dry first, so it was a really good idea of dads to get a tape recorder.
We always had to go to church on Sundays. It was really bad because you couldn’t play out before in case you got dirty, and it took ages to say the prayers all over again each week. And then when you got home you couldn’t play out again and make a noise because it was Sunday and you could only do miserable things on a Sunday. The next day I had to go back to grammar school a whole week again which was even more miserable.
One Sunday morning I was up the garden building a spaceship to send all my sisters into outer space with. Dad came up and said mum wanted me to get ready for church. I told him I was getting ready to take off and anyway I wasn’t going to church anymore. He went a bit quiet. Then mum came up and there was a big row but I never went. I got a mortal sin that day so they won’t let me in to heaven anymore.
Later on dad came up and said not to worry too much, because him and his mates were all going to hell anyway. I just hope my sisters keep going to church though till I got the space ship built. It’d be just my bad luck if they all had to come and live in hell with us.
One Christmas mum and dad were ill. We had to stay with neighbours for a while. Lots of the neighbours clubbed together some money so we’d have a better Christmas. Someone from the paper came and took a photo to say thanks to everyone.
Another Christmas I got a colour slide developing kit. We took some really good colour pictures. There’s one of dad clowning around doing the washing up dressed like a gypsy, one of Rosie with her first pair of stockings, one of Marlane and her dolls house, Ammie and a dolls pram, Helen… Jackie…
One day I found mum crying while she was doing the washing up. I don’t know why.
One day dad hurt himself turning the alarm clock off. He had to stay off work for a long time. He wasn’t very happy about that.
My first day at Dunstable grammar school was not very good. I’d never been to Dunstable before and I got into trouble for not having a pen. At my last school pen and ink was always in the desk. When I told the teacher that everyone laughed so I got into trouble again. The teachers there were a miserable lot and only interested in the rich kids. I had to get there by special bus, there were no buses there from our village. The first morning the woman said we had to wait where we got off to catch the same bus home.
After school I waited where she said, even though I could see our bus was on the other side of the road. I thought it was just parking there with the other busses and would turn round when they wanted us to get on. I suppose I thought I’d get into trouble again if I got on over there. I watched the bus drive up the road but it didn’t turn round. I missed the bus home on my first day because of that stupid woman. I’m always doing that, believing people who don’t know what they’re talking about. So I got into trouble again for missing the bus and borrowing half a crown off a teacher.
Mum was getting very crafty about sneaking in new babies. She sent me to Germany to stay with her mum and sister for six weeks just before Marlane arrived. I had to eat milk soup all the time and I got very homesick. Mum sent me rolled up comics every week to cheer me up. They were really good.
The End (unless another baby arrives)